You didn't see me the way I saw you
by Evermoredeath
Summary: "Hide?" he was quiet, his voice tired. "Kaneki? How are you?" he made sure to make his voice as casual as possible. He didn't want to betray his worry. "I'm- yeah- I'm okay." A lie. They both knew it, but neither would comment. "How's your mother?" he asked, knowing he was treading on thin ice as it was. There was a pause. "She's good." "That's good."


The sunlight filtered in through the wooden blinds of their room, and fell in soft gold lines across the planes of Kaneki's back. The smooth muscles rippled as he continued to breathe peacefully, shifting slightly in his sleep.

He couldn't stop staring, his mouth dry, and his eyes following the trail of fading bruises- His personal work of art.

Michelangelo's own Tommaso de' Cavalieri, but this love was reciprocated and he couldn't be more awestruck.

The simple wonder that hit him of being able to be with Kaneki seemed like a novelty that never seemed to lose its charm and he didn't see that twenty year old feeling of comfort and simultaneous excitement wearing off any-time soon.

The more that they grew together the more he seemed to fall in love with the man beside him. In the light of the moon and the warm, blinding rays of sunlight, it was all Kaneki, and he wasn't the writer of the relationship but he felt like he could write novels on him.

Kaneki stirred, letting out a soft groan and Hide pressed his lips together in amusement.

"Hey, you awake Kaneki?" his voice was raspy from disuse and he cleared his throat.

Kaneki groaned again, turning towards him, his eyes still closed and burrowed into his chest. He wrapped him closer instinctively, pressing his lips to the crown of his head.

"You have places to be today," he reminded him gently, and this time the groan was expected. A few moments passed, and he started to trace patterns on Kaneki's arms.

"Cancel, tell them to go to hell," he mumbled, pressing his lips against Hide's neck. Hide rolled his eyes good-naturedly, huffing.

Lord knew Kaneki didn't mean it.

"Hey? Asoaka, yeah? Kaneki says go to hell," he said in a serious voice, waiting for Kaneki to laugh.

He didn't, and Hide's own expression smoothed out in response.

It was no secret that Kaneki had been dreading this but Hide had hoped that over the span of the past few days he'd settle into an acceptance of the upcoming event. However he should've known that with Kaneki that was just unlikely.

He pulled him closer, and Kaneki looked at him gratefully. The nervousness obvious and he clung back, skin on skin, smooth, warm.

"Can we stay in bed for ten more minutes?" Kaneki asked using that special, quiet, pleading voice he knew made Hide drop to his knees in moments.

That little shit.

The sunlight was still playing with Kaneki's features, his eye, his lips, his right eyebrow illuminated. His hair was growing longer, splayed around him. He wanted to thread his fingers through it.

Instead he pushed it back from his forehead, while Kaneki stared fixatedly at the corner of his mouth. He waited for acknowledgement.

Those grey eyes turned to his.

A small smile tugged at his lips, and Hide smiled back, feeling his eyes crinkling with fondness.

He kissed him in acquiescence.

* * *

"It's just for this event you know," Hide said perched on the bed, phone in his hand, watching Kaneki fumble with his tie uneasily.

There was an electric tension around him, a restlessness and slowly rising crescendo of panic. Hide had made sure he'd eaten, not drank too much coffee and tried to make him laugh. He'd tried his best to smooth out the dent between his eyebrows with pointless topics, but with the wedding drawing closer he could sense Kaneki's anxiety rising.

He was tugging at the tie agitatedly and Hide almost felt sorry for it, watching the fabric crinkle underneath his long fingers. He was going to look like a mess if he continued- that'd just freak him out more.

He decided to take action, pushing himself off the bed he walked to Kaneki, taking his hands in his own; the gesture speaking volumes from the way Kaneki froze.

He stared at their linked hands blankly, as if he wasn't sure of what was happening, and Hide's heart sank.

"You don't have to go."

Kaneki took in a shaky breath.

"I do."

He moved his hand to his cheek, stroking it with his thumb.

"If you're sure," he said softy. Kaneki nuzzled into the touch, looking up at him through his lashes.

"I owe it to my mother," he said, his eyes lidded, his expression sad.

Hide smiled, albeit bitterly.

He didn't owe his mother anything; Kaneki knew that Hide knew this. Kaneki also knew that Hide wasn't going to argue with him on this topic.

"If you say so."

Kaneki smiled back, "I do."

* * *

When Kaneki left he finally decided to sort out what he had affectionately dubbed 'The Laundry Mountain.' It was not only him being a genuinely amazing fiancé, but he was sure he was on his last pair of pants, so it was a necessity.

He started on separating the lights and darks, humming to himself softly.

It was raining outside and their house was lit with thrift shop lamps that they'd found within a week of moving in. They still worked four years later.

He recounted how they'd debated over the set for ten minutes before Hide had finally caved to Kaneki's puppy dog eyes and bought them. He didn't regret that at all. Honestly what a great bargain, he'd have to drag Kaneki back into those places again. They could make a date out of it, and discuss the option of a better bed, because this one was a piece of shit and it hurt his back.

He wasn't sure if a bed out of a thrift shop would be a good idea in any sense. Kaneki would just scoff at him if he suggested buying a thrift shop bed. To be fair he could see how that was just a bad idea, not that he'd say that out loud.

They could ask one of Hide's high school friends for recommendations for a good sturdy one though. They could get a new mattress too.

What was his name?

Haku? Haru?

Something along those lines, but Hide recalled him saying that he was going to take over his dad's business, and it had been home furniture.

He frowned, staring at the black shirt in his hands.

He was so bloody domesticated.

His phone pinged, and he jumped, startled at the sudden sound. He had to stand to pull it out of his jeans' pockets. Squinting at the screen he saw the text from Kaneki.

 **Just reached safely.**

Hide smiled.

 ** _hve a great time 3 3_**

He gingerly placed the phone beside him, continuing his sorting.

He couldn't imagine being in Kaneki's shoes right now.

They'd discussed _this_ way too much. Not the topic in general, but specific to this event. Kaneki attending his cousin's wedding. His 'family's' wedding as Kaneki had interjected in a form of justification. They both knew he just wanted an excuse for himself to see his mother again.

It wasn't adequate in his eyes.

Family was complicated for Hide.

He didn't have the best family but he didn't have the worst. He wasn't overly attached to his parents, nor was he unattached. He had his complaints and he had his share of things he was undoubtedly thankful for.

They hadn't always been a source of comfort for him but there wasn't any discomfort with them either. They were an acknowledgement- he knew they were there and they met at Christmas and, birthdays' and, weddings, and managed to communicate pleasantly.

Maybe there were resentments of not being able to trust them completely, or the fact that they had not been able to attend his graduation, or those school plays, but it didn't mean he hated them.

He couldn't imagine dreading to see them, he couldn't imagine what they would have to contribute to his upbringing for him to dread them; trust not being a touchable subject and living in a situation which was on the edge of Stockholm syndrome.

He knew his family wasn't perfect and maybe it was a little broken but it hadn't affected him much. His family wasn't Kaneki's family, and Kaneki's family didn't deserve to be called family in his biased perception.

Not that he'd ever say that to Kaneki.

He stood up, picking up the light clothes pile to set to wash.

* * *

He was through his third episode of the re-run of season two of Naruto when his phone pinged loudly. He could feel his eyebrow's knitting together, as he unlocked his phone.

 **Are you busy?**

Hide frowned, looking up at the TV. Naruto's earnest face looked back at him, and he grimaced, pressing pause.

It wasn't like Kaneki to be on his phone at any event, and why would he ask that? He knew he wasn't busy.

 ** _no whats up?_**

 **Met some people**

That didn't sound bad, he decided. It sounded like a reasonable thing to say. You technically do meet people at weddings. However that didn't explain the worry that hit him as soon as he read those words.

 ** _how was it?_**

 **Im not sure**

 ** _What do you mean? Did they say something rude?_**

He wondered if his rising panic was justified.

 **No.**

 ** _Is everything ok?_**

There was no reply after that, and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He didn't even know where the venue was, Kaneki hadn't let him touch the invite.

It had been insulting enough that they had specifically snubbed Hide, but the even more insulting thing had been that they'd even bothered to send an invite in the first place. Knowing full well their place in Kaneki's life, knowing their disgusting, toxic influence.

He despised them for disrupting their life with a stupid piece of card at all. He despised the reasoning for that invite.

He bit his lip.

The softness of the morning was replaced with the torrential rain, and his mood suited it. His thoughts seemed to not quieten.

He waited ten minutes, and when there was no reply, he turned on the episode again. The words from it a buzzing in his ears, the pitter-patter of rain prevalent.

* * *

He was making himself a bowl of instant noodles, keeping an eye on the clock. His own form of guilty pleasure, an instant comfort food. Kaneki hated them, and he hated Hide for binging them all the time.

When they were done, he settled down to eat them, slurping nosily and finding no pleasure in the immature act with no Kaneki to annoy. Schadenfreude- surely it was justified in some cases.

His phone started to ring.

He shot up, grabbing it, and accepting the call as quickly as he could manage.

"Hello?"

"Hide?" he was quiet, his voice tired.

"Kaneki? How are you?" he made sure to make his voice as casual as possible. He didn't want to betray his worry.

"I'm- yeah- I'm okay."

A lie. They both knew it, but neither would comment.

"How's your mother?" he asked, knowing he was treading on thin ice as it was.

There was a pause. He could hear him shifting.

"She's good."

"That's good."

There was silence, and he wanted to ask. He should ask. He didn't want to hurt him further but he needed to know if he could do anything. He needed him to talk, and maybe compartmentalizing would hurt more- it usually did in Kaneki's case.

"What's wrong?"

He sent out a silent prayer of thanks to all God's that his voice had stayed steady.

"I'm tired."

He licked his lips, taking a seat in front of his unfinished bowl of noodles. They looked unappetizing.

"Okay," he said.

"Yeah, and my aunt was there." His voice was hesitant. Like the cracking of a dam before it bursts.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, she-" he took a shaky breath. It felt like his worst suspicions were being confirmed.

"Um- she was laughing at my mother. 'Was the richer one when we were younger, times really do change.'" He cleared his throat, and with a sinking feeling Hide could see the turn this was taking.

"She called me over to her guests too, and she asked me why I'd ran away and …abandoned my mother? Her son was still taking care of her, so why wasn't I? And-" he heard his shaky breath, "she was- she was like 'he was always selfish and useless that way' and all these people, my cousins friends just thought that was the funniest fucking thing-" his voice cracked.

"And then she started talking about my books, and how it was hard enough to buy one for loyalty but it was a wonder they'd let me publish three- and- and- I thought I was over this Hide. I thought I could put myself out there and I told her she didn't need to buy them- and-" he was definitely crying, "they just-" a muffled sob, and his grip on the phone tightened.

"They just laughed at me Hide. I couldn't even stand up to them- and- and my mother was _there._ I just wanted to _talk-_ I thought it would be better now Hide- I asked _her_ about my books- and she said she'd been too busy to read them- and-" he was sobbing so hard it was making it hard for him to understand.

He was a little shell-shocked, white hot anger licking at the edges.

Kaneki's mother had said she was ' _so proud'_ of her son's achievement of a best-seller. She'd said it was _good_ and that she'd read it. She'd said she'd read it to Kaneki's face. She'd lied to him.

A compliment when the work shone, but her pride was just conformity.

He took in a shaky breath trying to comprehend the insensitivity of the cruel and callous people Kaneki had the misfortune of being raised by. Toxic. Disgusting. Cruel. Cruel. _Cruel._

"Hide… she didn't read it- I just-I just nodded- what, what could I do? I thought I was over it Hide. And she- they- they say your name like such a dirty word, and they say _fiancé_ like I've- I've done something wrong. And you're the most important to me- I- I can't take it when- It's my life- you- you're my- they just-"

He watched a wet leaf slide down their window-pane. His teeth were pressed together painfully.

"Hide- Take m-e home," Kaneki sobbed, his heart wrenched. He sounded wrecked, his voice broken and hoarse.

"Take me home please Hide, I want to go home, take me home."

He took a deep breath, grabbing the car keys.

"I'm coming Kaneki."

* * *

He draped his jacket over Kaneki, before closing the passenger door and glancing disdainfully at the church. The wedding seemed to be wrapping up, the bride and groom having left, a few relatives dawdling and mingling before having to leave. He had debated confronting his mother or aunt but after finding Kaneki with red rimmed eyes in the male toilets he'd decided against it.

After all he _had_ quietly gate crashed a wedding.

"Thanks," Kaneki croaked, after he's plugged in his seat belt.

He smiled at him sadly, "You know you don't need to thank me."

Kaneki averted his eyes, staring outside, and Hide started the car, turning on the heat. The rain continued to fall in a steady pace, and the radio started.

Some new English song started playing, as he started driving.

"I thought I was over them."

He shifted the gear.

"It's not something you just get over."

Kaneki sighed, leaning against the window pane, fogged up from the rain outside.

"I know but I thought I was," he says, his voice heavy, tired. And Hide wanted nothing more to wrap his arms around him.

"It's okay to not be so quickly."

He wanted to hold him and tell him how much he loved him. He wanted to tell him how amazing and wonderful and beautiful he was. He wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him how he fell in love with him everyday. He wanted to hold him.

"It just hurts you know. She makes me feel so happy sometimes, like it makes my heart hurt, like I'm on top of the world. And it's not like a lot of effort- to say I'm proud of you-" He swallows, and Hide glances at him. He's still leaning against the window, his jaw clenched, his eyes glazed.

Hide doesn't say anything. He switches up the speed of the windshield wipers.

Waits.

"Maybe it is. Maybe she's not proud- I have been a shit son, and she worked herself to the bone for me. Gave everything up for me-"

"Kaneki, she used to beat you till you were bruised."

He licked his lips.

He didn't need to hear the sniffling to know that Kaneki had started crying. His hands tightened around the steering wheel.

"It's just- She- she said she loved me- and- How can she?"

It was taking everything in Hide to not pull over the car and just soothe Kaneki. Let him cry it out. Tell him it would be okay. That his mother was tactless and she didn't know how to treat a child, and she placed the weight of all the world on his tiny shoulder's because she thought he could handle it. He wanted to tell him that was wrong, it was so wrong.

He wanted to tell him that he still remembered the time Hide had walked into his room without knocking, at fourteen, and seen the angry purple and blue blotches over his back and when he had noticed Kaneki's embarrassment, he had pretended not to have seen.

And he wanted to tell him that he was sorry that he had pretended not to see for so long. For too long.

And he wanted to say that he was sorry that Kaneki, at sixteen, had been so guilty that he'd moved in with Hide and left his mother; that he'd not eaten properly for weeks.

He wanted to say that he was sorry that it was finally at seventeen that Kaneki had stopped flinching if he accidently broke a dish or messed up something in their shared flat. He wanted to tell him that he was happy to see that look of panic never return at something like a broken appliance.

He wanted to tell him that he was sorry his mother had seemed to grow to hate him when he had told her he wanted Hide. He wanted to say sorry that his aunt had had a chance to say those words to him, to make him feel like he was dirty or wrong.

He wanted to tell him that he was sorry that he hadn't been harsher with his aunt or his shitty cousin when they'd turned up to his first book signing. He didn't feel sorry when the line of people supporting Kaneki had stared at them disdainfully, murmuring behind their hands about their petty insults.

He wanted to tell him that his mother was wrong. He wanted to tell him that it was okay now, he was okay now. He was everything good and they still didn't see it, but everyone else in the world did.

He didn't say any of that though.

He knew if he did that, it would just make Kaneki more anxious, more tired. More acutely aware of everything that had happened. It would make him over think and panic, and-

He reached over and took his hand.

"She does. She just doesn't know she's fucking up. She doesn't realise what she does isn't love."

Kaneki's grip tightened in his hand, and he shifted, leaning his head on Hide's shoulder. Hide lifted their linked hands to his lips.

"I love you," Kaneki said wetly, his forehead pressed against his shoulder.

There's a lot of weight behind his words. He says it like a prayer, a vow, the beginning of a new story. They seem to prepare for unsaid promises, arguments and stories. They say what is spelled out: I l-o-v-e y-o-u, and they say thank you. They say I'm sorry, but I'm not saying that because you'll shush me. They're more than a kiss, they're the promise of more tears, happy and sad.

Hide smiled, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Kaneki's head.

"I love you too."

His words are promise for everything Kaneki wants, for everything Kaneki needs.

He squeezes his hand.

His words are a promise for home.


End file.
